SPOOPYWEEN DAY 5 WINNIE THE POOH BLOOD AND HONEY!!!

Day 5 Winnie the Pooh Blood and Honey

A long time ago, there was a fun what the fuck moment.

When you browsed the book store around oh 2009 or 2010, you came across what the fuck titles like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

It was silly, someone found a gimmick to getting their satire written and it did so well, they ended up making both of these into films. I love parody stuff, one of my favorite books from my 20’s was the National Lampoons Bored of the Rings. Which I still quote from fairly often.

But there has to be a line in the sand.

At some point it gets to be, well. Like your nephew or young cousin. And yourself when you were a little shit. When we all were a little shit. I’ll explain.

When you are a kid, you like making the adults laugh. You like when something you did made everyone laugh and take notice. So you get a giggle fit high from it, and you decide to do another thing to keep them laughing. They give you a courtesy laugh. You begin giggling, drunk off the power of the attention. So you begin losing your shit doing random acts of nonsense, making it up as you go. To keep that momentum going. And that’s when you hear “Okay, think someone needs to settle down now”

That’s where I put things like this.

There’s a point where satire is best left as an online joke. Like old Far Side comics. One offs that make you laugh and shake your head at the thought of. Like the classic Dingo farm next to an orphanage. It’s a funny twisted joke, but if you made it into an hour and a half movie. It’s gonna bomb so bad. Because sometimes jokes are best left as a funny one off, and not something someone will invest $100,000 into, or god forbid $4 million

Someone invested $100k into the idea of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet being left alone to fend for themselves in the hundred acre woods, to turn feral and blood thirsty, and turn it into an hour and 24 minute movie.

Am I expecting this to suck ass? Kinda yeah.

Do I hope it will be fun and amusing? I mean fuck I paid $12 for it so it better at the leave tell me I’m pretty.

The stakes are low, the run time is generously short. So we can only hope for something fun, or at the best, give us our first real rant of the month. At any rate. Lets dig into this jar of honey.

The Film

We are really doing this. Lord.

So yes, as briefly touched on earlier. The setup for this film, as they explain through sketched animation. Is a sort of half take on the Christopher Robin series of adventures in the 100 acre woods. Only this intro. Which feels like someone narrating a creepy pasta joke from 4chan. Tells us the ‘creatures’ Christopher Robin found were, to a child cute and innocent. But for the rest of us they would be seen as abominations. So mutants. We have Owly, Rabbit, Piglet, Eeyore and of course Winnie the Pooh.

Christopher Robin brought his friends food, which gained him their trust, and he continued doing so, hanging out with them, feeding them, and giving them attention. Until it came time for College. Then the animals had to fend for themselves. Which they could not do. Not because they forgot how to hunt, but apparently the 100 acre woods is a dead area. No wild life, no vegetation. Nothing.

So the group fell on hard times and decided to eat poor Eeyore. This traumatized the group. They grew a taste for blood. Became feral and the hunt began. They no longer trusted humans for, reasons. And this brings us up to speed.

Where a mature Dr. Christopher Robin has brought his lady friend with him to return to the 100 acre woods to see his old friends, and share them with his betrothed. We all know where this is going.

Somewhere awkward.

Some how. We won’t ask how. We can just assume from humans they slaughtered. But Pooh and the gang all live in, little run down mobile campers. With bone furniture everywhere and intricate curved wood paths.

Well as you’d expect. Christopher is all full of whimsey and energy to show off his friends to his new wife. To let them know he’s a doctor now and married.Only when they find the hundred acre woods as it is, and bones everywhere. Well yes the nightmare of reality falls on them both. She tells him this place is dangerous and they should leave. He doesn’t listen to his wife, which as any married couple can tell you. Can and often will cost you a limb if not your life.

So his wife as they try to escape meets her end by a tusked piglet who is going full bore on her, and I can only sigh. In fact my exact reaction seeing “piglet” was to exhale and say “Oh fucking lord”

It’s a thick animal mask. And a, we’ll say hill person mutated human form. It looks. Well for $100k, it looks about that, yeah. It’s. Special.

Piglet chokes out and snaps her neck with a chain. Christopher Robin watches in horror, crying for his dear friend to stop. Only to then try and escape. End up cornered by…Pooh bear.

I’m sorry. I know this is tongue in cheek, and I’m all for it, I want to have fun.

But mother of god how they look. Winnie the Pooh looks like one of those guys you have jump out at you wearing a mask and overalls at a Halloween corn maze. If you’ve been to one, the moment you see Pooh standing in front of Christopher. You’ll never undo that connection.

It’s not, not well done.

And if you wondered, do they talk? Do we get to hear a cynical evil “Oh bothah” from Pooh? No. Because the animals vowed never to speak again. Only to kill humans and animals.

So the film doesn’t show us the fate of Christopher Robin, Instead we get illustrations that show Pooh and Piglet dragging him off, showing him the remains of Eeyore, and then a bonfire with Pooh and Piglet as they cook and eat his wife.

Honestly I would not be surprised if they either end up keeping him alive and we see him kept in a cage as some morbid slave, or he ends up in some dinner table scene, bloody and dead, at the head of a table with all the remains of their dead friends at some morbid celebration.

Place yer bets.

As for now though. We move on to the real fodder of the film. Tits and ass ! Yes. We are getting that oldy but goldy horror story of a group of college ladies going to a cabin in the woods.

Yep, that’s our real story. Terrorizing the college ladies, here we go!

Why the cabin? Well as usual there is a friend who is dealing with some trauma and she needs a weekend away to party with the girls to get over it and reintroduce herself to the world. Our protagonist is Maria. She is recovering from a traumatic stalking experience.

With her are 4 friends. The nerd, the bitch, the prissy pants and good friendo.

Well, there should be 5 of them but one had to go off on their own because, horror logic people.

Their poor redheaded friend is lost. She took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, and ended up at the 100 acre woods of death. Not the 100 acre woods of moderate safety.

As she tries using her phone to contact help. Tine the flesh bag ends up discovered by Jason the Pooh.

It’s a scene I felt deep inside I should be laughing at. But I can’t make myself. It’s an odd experience. Like it’s so comically bad looking you should laugh. But it just looks so low rent that, you can’t really muster that.

I appreciate what they were going for. But the overall execution is just, poor.

You have a man, standing imposingly in the woods. In overalls and a red flannel. Wearing a mask. It is very obviously a mask. And not really an expressive one.

But what makes the scene something you shouldn’t laugh at, but inside you will. Is when Jason Pooh takes off running after the redhead. You see his not so real belly getting shifted around and in the way.

It’s….something.

I’m really not trying to purposely hate or shit on it. I’m not expecting WETA workshop production here or anything. It’s just.

Well we’ll get into that at the end of the film.

For now. We have a redhead who is, about to deliver two things. One our first death in the party of five, and two. Our first pair of tits. For, reasons. We’ll say because Jason Pooh is hungry. He tares off her shirt, before ppushing her in head first into a woodchipper. The digital blood flows and the kill is comically short and covered in a series of quick flashes.

From there we see a couple things. We see a the filmmakers ode to Texas Chainsaw Massacre with bloody hanging meat hooks and slaughter room. We also learn that good old Christopher Robin is alive and well!

Either he has been stripped down and made to be the new Eeyore which IS code for fuck toy, or he’s eventually going to be the main part in their feast. Mostly he’s just here, naked. Strung up   and crying to Pooh. Crying about how good things used to be, and with the oil of Olivia, and the body language of David Prowse as Darth Vader. We see Jason Pooh struggle with his reality. One where he loves and was friends with Christopher, and one where he was forced to eat his friends to survive. Pooh can’t handle this so he decides to pull a Tommy Wiseau and destroy his place. After silently screaming “I am fed up with this wurl” Pooh grabs off his wall. What I am lead to believe is none other than Eeyore’s tail. Which is a rather long braid of hair.

Jason Pooh takes this and spins Christopher around, before performing his favorite scene from The Passion of the Christ, and whipping the flesh off of Christophers back. Before showering him in the blood boiled body part stew of the redhead he killed earlier.

There was one moment here. I actually found myself liking Jason Pooh. The moment he stares off wild eyed into the mirror and his dark reality slams home. We see for the first time, his eyes. They are very well lit, piercing and you actually for once can read some form of emotion off of Pooh. It’s just one brief moment, but man it was nice.

If only they  had a better mask design that didn’t look like something a serial killer put on their face. It’s the limitation of the films budget, but the mask honestly…

From a distance? It’d work. Up close? It’s just, a let down. It’s very old school and the only way it moves, is when the actor inside I am guessing, much like the actors in Planet of the Apes original series, over exaggerate their jaw movement. When he does that. Then Pooh seems to ‘slightly’ move his jaw. Which stays permanently open.

 Anyway red is dead and Christopher is enjoying his reunion with his two best friends.

But we got a short film and a lot of people to kill. So lets get killing.

As Jason Pooh roams the hundred acre woods to dispose of reds corpse. He hears unholy pop music playing and goes to investigate. What should he find but the semi bitchy Instagram slut friend. We’ll call her Blonde tits.

Blonde tits is in her bikini, at night. Taking selfies from the spa for the gram. She reviews her sexy photos, only to notice in the distance Jason Pooh watching her. Well of course he is naturally gone once she turns around and calls him out. But he’s not going to ruin her fun. Because she just does not care. So she flips off the figure in the shadows, and lays back. Relaxing and enjoying her spa time.

Until Piglet and Pooh approach and. Things get very weird.

Well okay a little weird.

Jason Pooh and Piglet Myers creep up on Blonde tits. Piglet slides a clothe over her face and forces her to play ‘does this smell like chloroform to you?” How’d he get it? Don’t know. Him and Pooh carry her out of the spa and off somewhere else. What comes next is an even larger question. We hear a large muscle car engine revving up. Behind the wheel? Pooh.

Now.

The question is.

How does a Subaru like that sound like its packing a muscle bound V8?

Seriously this thing sounds like its packing a quarter pound of pure dick ripping muscle. That’s bullshit.

Oh and also how the fuck is Pooh driving? When did he learn this?

The whole scene is. Odd. You have Piglet walking up dragging a large sledgehammer, and putting his foot to the girls back. Is he going to back her? Then why is Pooh in the car?

Apparently, Piglet was only needed to menacingly drag his sledgehammer over there and put a foot on her back. Before giving Pooh the okay to turn left and slowly. Slowly. Drive over Blonde tits head.

Now, again. This should be comical and horrifying. Except it’s not. The budget really shows itself.

Between seeing the very obvious and thick latex flaps of the Piglet mask. When the girls head is being ‘crushed’…there are some ways to pull this off.

As Troma films taught us famously. With a wig, a jacket. Some stuffing an a cantaloupe filled with blood. You can squash a head under a car. You can even go cheaper and just use a melon with a huge wig.

This film does a hard cut. Showing us Blonde Tits on the ground, fake screaming, with a tire sitting near the top of her head. A fake eye laid out in front of her. CGI blood spurting, and creating a ‘gore’ patch that is badly out of place.

You could see what they were attempting, and tried to achieve. They just didn’t exactly nail it. Unfortunately.

I really want to rant on this, but I’m saving it for the end. I am trying.

With this death down. The remaining girls discover their headless bikini clad friend, and run into the house screaming. Only to find written in blood across the glass of the front of the house “GET OUT”,

Now, there was something interesting here. Mildly. Which I wonder if it’ll come into play later or not. But when the girls see Jason Pooh outside. He has an army of bees hovering near him. Following him.

Now that’s an interesting idea. Can he control them? Does he? Will he sick an army of bees on someone? Who knows.

What happens next is. Something.

The girls huddle up crying, trying to decide what to do. Well Maria remembers she has a gun! She brought a gun to their cabin to help get over her stalker. I won’t look it up online. I won’t reach out to find out. But the gun she owns.

I am 97% sure the gun she has, is the directors gun. I say this because. No one. Not one single person. For their first gun, would pick the massively over powered 7 inch barreled .357 magnum with a sight rail. This gun kicks like a mule with a burst brick of cocaine up its ass. This woman would crack her forehead with this thing. Not saying a woman can’t handle a .357 as their first gun. A revolver is always a nice choice, different learning curve versus a 9mm or 1911. But for a first time gun owner for ‘self protection’, fuck no.

I KNOW IT’S A MOVIE DAMNIT! I’m not ACTUALLY going to bitch about the gun. I am just saying I am certain that gun belongs to the man behind this film.

What I WILL bitch about. Is these ladies have only been here less than a full day. And Maria immediately forgot she packed a gun and brought it, and even more so. She forgot where she put it. A gun, let alone one that heavy and bulky. You kinda have limited spots for it. But anyway. Our group without skipping a beat instantly does what the plot needs them to. Which is separate.

So Maria runs off up stairs and takes her friend Glasses with her. The other two decide to run off for the kitchen to grab something to defend themselves.

Now, when you enter the kitchen, to defend yourself. You imagine, okay. Grab some knives. Maybe a cast iron skillet as well. It’s heavy and deadly, it also makes a good shield.

Instead these two find a single mallet. For the both of them. If this were DnD, someone had a shitty role of the dice for only one of them to arm themselves.

So with our group separated. We have Maria and glasses hiding from Jason Pooh, and the other two in a sauna indoor pool, trying to escape Piglet. Who decides instead of out right killing one of the girls, then the other. To drop his huge ass sledgehammer and circle the small pool. Whipping his huge chain at Spandex girl in the pool.

Now I should say, before this point. We get a horrible scene that lets us know someone is going to die. The girls whisper talk aloud about needing to be as quiet as possible so they don’t hear them. They’re nearly out of the room when….Burnette turns to her friend and tells her “I love you”, they have their moment, and Piglet arises to attack. Oh no. the horror.

So he knocks one girl down, and hovers over her to bash her brains in. While her friend cries out ‘Nooo noooooo’, watching this happen. So Piglet decides fine, I’ll put the hammer down, and come after you. With my big ass chain. So piglet tries chain whipping her from the edge of this small pool and fails.

Well he goes back for his hammer, and. He doesn’t attack her from outside. Which would be faster. He instead slow walks into the pool and takes wild swings at her.

This time roles are reversed and the OTHER friend, Blue Jeans is now the one crying out ‘nooooo muh friend’, as we see the one kill that made me laugh, and roll my eyes. Piglet takes a full slowed down swing at the girls head. And thanks to digital effects, we have a bloody eye, and she falls down into the water. Piglet then begins bashing his sledgehammer into the water. Splashing water around.

He is SUPPOSED to be striking her body and destroying her with his heavy sledgehammer. It’s implied each splash in the pool he is striking her body. Further killing her. But you can very obviously see the hammer is splashing the water away from her, and her body never moves.

Had she maybe jiggled. Reacted. IN SOME WAY! It might’ve helped sell it. But no. She was paid to stay face down in the pool and that’s what she did.

So Piglet claims his dead body, and a now passed out friend.

Now. Prepare yourself for a weird, what where they going for scene.

I can’t tell you what the point of this scene was. But I can tell you, like a lot in this. You can sort of make out what they were trying to attempt. It just, missed the head on the nail.

As Blue Jeans wakes up, she finds herself tied up on what I am going to go ahead and guess is a multiblade full body slicer. As she wakes up. We see Jason Pooh, doing the one thing you remember Pooh for doing. Shoveling handfuls of honey into his mouth. It’s not creepy, or weird. It’s just awkward.

Because it’s a gloved hand, mashing honey onto a latex mask. Once Pooh realizes shes awake, he stops shoveling honey on his mask, and walks over. Hovers his honey dripping head over hers…only to then stand back up and. Slap punch her.

He dramatically just pulls his hand back and yeah. Its thrown down in a slapping motion. But they use a solid meaty punch effect behind it. Complete with splats. He knocks her out with one slap. And continues beating her. Slap punching her face multiple times.

Yet when we see her. She’s fine. She’s passed out, her friends found her and are working to free her. But her face is fine. No bruises anywhere, she’s just fine.

Moving along…

So what looked like a body cleaving trap they left the girl, because I mean I’ve seen that same trap used in 1000 maniacs and Nothing But Trouble. Is just a place holder for a body. They free their friend and explore the place.

They find Christopher Robin, They work to free the man, and….instead of going off with them he tells them to leave him and he will catch up to them.

Because that’s not a setup for a final battle with Pooh and Christopher. Or Christopher turning heel. We’ll see. Hah.

Meanwhile the girls hear the screams of a woman and. Immediately find her. At the center of what seems to be a sacrificial ring. Like. I am not being twisted here. It genuinely looks like either a trap. A place for performing rituals as it’s a circular room with pillars and a chained woman at its center. Or….it’s a breeding room.

I don’t know man! I just call it like I see it.

And this looks like a ritual and or breeding room.

Well this lady is no friend of theirs. Just some random towns folks lady. In her mom pants and sweater. With a battered and bruised up face.

She tells the girls the names of our two murderers, she informs us that Piglet smells people, and finds them. She has no idea why Piglet did this to her but. Here we are. So the girls free her.

Now. We need some bullshit to happen and make us question life. Thankfully this movie gives us a lot of these moments. So here’s another.

The girls with their new friend are attempting to escape the lair of Pooh and Piglet. But they stop as the new woman they picked up sees her reflection in some window. She immediately breaks down because….she looks like a monster now.

This bitch, has two black eyes, a split lip, and make some scratches on her cheeks. This is hardly a monster. It’s a horrible ass beating that will take time to recover from. But it’s not life altering.

But apparently for this lady it is. She has a full blown melt down in the most pathetic and dumbest way. She screams and cries seeing herself. The girls tell her to shut the fuck up so they aren’t found. The woman says she’s a monster. They comfort her and….

She grabs the revolver.

Not only that. The group let her. This crazy bitch picks up the revolver, stands tall and as Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” begins to subtly play out this woman proclaims “I’m going to get them for what they did to me. I’m going to make him pay”

And

The girls

Watch this lady

Take off on a personal side quest

With their only weapon.

Which of course, naturally they follow her to see how it goes. Because I mean why not? What else are you gonna do.

Yes the woman gets to face off with Piglet. Yes it goes horribly wrong. She fires off a warning shot. Goes to fire a second shot, and a revolver. Which….we will say conservatively never jams. Unless you are using reload or the wrong size ammunition, or it didn’t slide in the chamber all the way. For some reason the revolver won’t fire again. So Pooh slams this woman to the ground, and Piglet waddles over and eats her face. Or something.

Pooh spots the girls and takes off after them. While one stays behind and oh hey look Piglets Sledgehammer. So picking up Maxwells silver hammer and letting it go bang bang over Piglets head. We can assume he is now dead, or midly miffed.

We are now at the final 20 minutes folks.

If you expect this movie to make sense, you are in for a treat. As Pooh chases Maria and glasses. Blue Jeans has. Managed to drag a 300lb man pig over to a kill spot, used his own chains to restrain his arms. And wait. For him to wake back up. So she can avenge her dead friends and lover, with him fully aware of this. She smacks him lazily with his hammer in the face, for each of her friends he killed, even though Pooh was the one that did it really. And finishes him off with a final smack over the top of his head, in the name of her fallen love. Prompting Piglet to squeal out a death squeal and die.

Pooh hearing his friend cry out in pain, stops chasing Maria and Glasses, and runs back to the camp.

This is another fun thing the girls have done throughout this film, and its made no fucking sense.

Each time in this movie. Each and every time. In this film. When they see someone in peril? When they see their friend about to get crushed, possibly die, and they could do something? They all hide and watch. Then cry, and get spotted, and run.

Pooh immediately finds Blue Jeans standing over his dead friend. Jason Pooh lifts her up, and shoves his machete. Yes. Jason Pooh unironically carries a machete. He shoves his machete into her mouth and through the back of her head. Which would be a cool shot. Except they chose a not so good angle for forced perspective and you can tell the blade is going in beside her as her mouth is open.

AS JASON POOH IS DOING THIS.

WE CUT TO JUST BEHIND HIM.

MARIA AND BLUE JEANS ARE WATCHING HIM.

WATCHING JASON POOH KILL THEIR FRIEND.

They gasp and scream quietly, and I do mean quietly. Pooh snaps around and they are being chased. Again. For the last time.

Is there a showdown? Not yet. We need more body count apparently. As the girls run off presumedly for safety. They run across some English rednecks and their truck. They spot Jason Pooh, and instead of driving off with the girls. They decide to arm themselves and fight him. They don’t have guns. This is England, not the U.S.A.

They grab a bat, a crowbar, a snickers bar and whatever else they got laying around. It’s time to have an epic fight with a half man half bear.

Manbear

Now because this film has a low budget. One of the weapons the English rednecks use, is Piglets sledgehammer. The men approach Jason Pooh, and recreate the scene from Halloween Kills, where Tommy beats down Michael with his baseball bat, and everyone starts beating Michael.

Until the timer on Michaels ultimate ability resets and he takes them all out. Pooh does the same.

Except he does so in one of the most mind bending ways.

Several things happen here, that make me truly believe the sequence in which this film was shot. You can tell what happened to the budget.

His kills are mostly practical, and they are some of the best in the film. The main problem here. Is that. His main attack? Is the same raised hand slap he did to Blue Jeans. Which did nothing to her face. But this time, one slap and it rips off half a guys face. The next one severs a mans hand. Pooh even stomps on a mans head. We see what I talked about! A goddamn melon crushing under foot, filled with blood and tissue. It’s legitimately a huge what the fuck, and then it hits you. BUT wait. There’s more!

One of the men runs, escaping the wrath of Pooh. But Pooh stares at the man as he runs, and out of the fucking forest. Comes a horde of bees. Controlled by Pooh, and sure enough they attack the guy and kill him.

All of this. Raises questions.

Why did these kills look so damn good and the others like shit?

Why did he not use the bees before? They showed them following him. They established it was a thing, but never used it.

Seriously these last few kills. The effects work is great. This stuff looks so much better than the first hour and 10 minutes of the film. Which is all but the last 14 minutes of the film!

Did they seriously blow their wad on all this, then decide to make cuts on the effects later? It genuinely looks like it. I mean this is…this is what that looks like when it happens. You can see as the saying goes, every dollar on the screen in this final few moments. But the rest of the film? Not at fucking all.

The stuff with the bees? That feels like a huge deleted or unshot side thing with Pooh. Only to show up at this point. Even earlier when Blue Jeans had Piglet chained up. She said something really odd and out of place, that really only would make sense if there was some connective tissue in the film earlier on. When she had Piglet chained up she told him “Yeah, you know what those chains mean don’t you” She’s talking to him like there’s some fucking holy relic shit going on with his goddamn bike chains and we have nothing. Nothing to go on.

Was this film seriously that cut down? I mean I’d believe it. I’M SEEING IT!

Anyway let’s end this suffering.

So the two girls scream in the truck, watching people die. But they manage to find the keys. Start up the truck, and politely hit Jason Pooh with the truck. Bringing back the legacy setup by this film.

Pooh isn’t dead. He gets back up. Maria who was driving is now dazed. Because she hit her head when she hit Pooh. She watches in blurry slow motion as Pooh grabs and takes Glasses from the car. She looks for some Excedrin, and next thing we see. Is Jason Pooh holding the severed head of Glasses. Prompting Maria to scream, and Pooh to go after her.

But just as it looks like Pooh is going to kill our hero, We hear another car revving up and driving full speed toward them, and with a proud English battle cry of “LEEEEROOOOOOOOOOY JENKIIINNNNNS”, Christopher Robin slams his car into Pooh, trapping him between the truck and his car.

Is he dead? Or does he just have a little poo on his hood.

I had to get one in there somewhere.

Well. Pooh is of course not dead. He is very alive. So Christopher takes off, limping lazily away with Maria. Unfortunately Pooh catches them  and is about to kill Maria. BUT Christopher is ready for his heroic sacrifice.

He pleads with Pooh, pulling the “Take me not her. I’m the one you want. I’ll stay with you forever!” and, get ready to tighten your sphincters. Because Jason Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. Who? Winnie the fucking Pooh. Brakes his silence. He growls out “You left” and slits Maria’s throat.

What the fuck movie. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be a surprise, but again. Like with most of this movies moments. I just…can’t.

The closest recreation is any moment in a Red Letter Media video where Jay is talking about “Oh!” something happens and then “ooooh….” Something happened. There’s just nothing there.

So Pooh kills her. Christopher Robin sees Pooh head his way, Stopping instead to finish off Maria by stabbing her repeatedly in the head. To make sure we know she is not coming back.

And that is where the film ends. Christopher Robin watching his sweet friend Pooh bear, bashing a womans head in with his knife, as cars are on fire, and we fade to black.

But the scariest moment, the real shock of the film? Is at the end. It’s not an end credit scene where we see Tigger. Who was sorely missed, as was Kanga and Roo. Instead it’s far worse, and almost funny.

We get the text.

Winnie-the-Pooh Will Return

Go fuck yourself movie.

The End

Honestly I am really tempted to leave this at that for my review. “Go fuck yourself movie”

So where to begin.

Easy part first. I promised something of a reason for this film being how it was, and an explanation for things. So here it is.

This film is the exact reason why you let a joke idea be a joke idea. The moment you decide to flesh out a silly idea, a funny joke you read online. You end up with something boring. Because you then realize you have to carry on an idea that when committed to film would only fill up 10 minutes if that, with good material. This film? Absolutely caught that. Out of 1 hour and 24 minutes, there was all of maybe 10 whole minutes, where things looked decent and nearly entertaining. Seriously those last kills at the end. Had they shortened the film to, let’s be conservative using the footage we have. Shorten it to a 15 minute, or 20 minute short.

Get through the cartoon introduction, show Christopher being taken prisoner by Pooh. Cut piglet out. Introduce Glasses and Maria. Send them on the run. Kill the red necks, kill the girls. There’s your film.

That should be the extent of this idea.

Instead what you have. Is someone finding a funny twisted story someone wrote online, and deciding this has to be a movie, then discovering why it shouldn’t had.

A long time ago online there was a story a friend of mine showed me. It was about a twisted Sesame Street, where Kermit or one of the muppets went on a drug fueled killing spree. It was hysterical, twisted and bloody. People online circulated it as a fucked up funny story.

It would never see the light of day on film.

But in a world where copyright doesn’t exist. If it got made? It would fail. Just like this did. Because you can’t flesh out a story like that, that insanity only works in the ‘keep reading it gets funnier as you go on’, format. On film? What was written would last all of 18 minutes if that. So filling an hour and a half with that? Your gonna need to stretch that out. A lot.

This is where the problem is. You have to stretch those ideas out to fill the run time of a film for distribution. Otherwise, well. Yeah. It won’t get out there.

That’s why some films have unreasonably weird extended shots of nothing, If you got footage to stretch something out with. Use it for that minimum run time.

Slender Man.

The creepy pasta, the game.

Same thing. It works online as something creative that’s meant to spook you. Editing old pictures and adding elongated limbs and a figure in a suit. These things are good scare bait. The movie sucked. It got edited down, and down, and further down. I mean releasing a movie with an internet character tied to an attempted murder that’s. Well yeah, you know you fucked up doing that already.

Even Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies were mildly entertaining. They weren’t exactly huge successes. They managed to be fairly entertaining. But the joke got old quick. Then they turn from parody into a film. Because that’s the only way you can extend that idea out. Same with Cocaine Bear.

People laughed and went to see it. Because well yeah. It’s a movie called Cocaine Bear. Loosely. LOOSELY based on real events. The film was funny for the first few minutes then it was a slog. It had a few moments of being silly. But over all. Again. The idea was better than the film. Because it works better as a silly idea.

This isn’t the age of Cannon films. Cannon films would come up with an idea. Make a poster for the film. Sell producers on the idea of giving them money based off of poster art and the ‘idea the film was mostly done if not fully scripted. They got away with it for a while, and ultimately collapsed. THAT, they could get away with. But browsing the internet and finding the latest meme and turning it into a film? Fuck no.

Goddamn. Even Kevin Smith. Took a topic from one of his Podcast. Where someone posted an add looking to be fed fish in their walrus or seal outfit. So he made TUSK. The movie bombed. It was a silly idea. But making it a film? Good luck.

On top of this, the film itself suffered from its budget. I mean this is, to be fair. About the budget a film like this would need. And deserve. If this movie had  $400 thousand? I’d be pissed off, and assume the rest of the money with to cocaine and hookers.

Honestly this is a film that, again if made as a short, would’ve maybe worked better as an independent put it in a horror convention short film contest. But the film as is, the budget. The acting.

It was just boring.

Which is not what you want your horror film, or even a comedy to be.

You could tell where you were meant to laugh. But you just. I don’t know of anyone that would. And this is coming from a man who owns, paid a LOT of money to own Black Devil Doll, a movie with a black puppet that kills big titted strippers and fucks them. It’s juvenile, stupid, offensive, and somehow still fucking funny. THAT movie had a budget of $10k

An hour and 13 minutes. Of a racist puppet killing and fucking strippers, with full frontal nudity, prison rape, and an unneeded horrible rap video in the middle of the film.

Was far more entertaining and did more with its budget, compared to a $100 thousand dollar film running 11 minutes longer.

How

Why

I don’t really want to look it up. If there is an answer or not. Because I genuinely feel this film. It has that feeling, all over it. As something that if you told me was a kickstarter? A GoFundMe film? I’d believe you.

If you told me they had a top notch effects team and shot things out of sequence, ran out of money and used other people including the director to complete the effects? I’d also believe that.

This film is filled with moments like that. It just carries that feeling throughout.

It’s a low budget film that didn’t deserve the attention it got. It sold a silly idea, that was poorly executed. There were bits here and there of what looked like ideas that they later gave up on, edited out, or forgot about. We’ve seen and reviewed films in the past that did this, it happens in filmmaking. It’s not uncommon. In fact most times you’d never know that.

It isn’t until the movie stops entertaining you and becomes a slog. That you start noticing the holes.

Pooh looked his best at the end of the film. Any time earlier with him and Piglet? You could make out the neck flaps of the mask. These things. They were done how they were. To avoid copyright issues. I don’t even have to guess that. Disney owns the rights, and looking at the mask. Pooh looks like a dog painted yellow. Piglet is just a boar. But in the end. They’re still just mask. Mask with no emotion. Anytime these people had to act. They couldn’t. Because they were thick mask.

Like the Killer Clowns. They were limited to movement and expressions. But they still HAD SOME emotions.

I brought up Planet of the Apes and the original ape makeup. The actors all talked about having to over exaggerate their pronunciations and speaking. That way the mask would actually LOOK right when they’d talk.

In this it just. It was wrong. It was just guys wearing bad masks. Which, leads me to the one way this film I feel could’ve worked. And you wouldn’t have to change any of the story what so ever. Just one element. That’s all.

This film needed to be about backwoods disfigured forest kids. Make up whatever backstory you want, Make them incest mountain people babies, or just disfigured discarded kids.

Christopher Robin while playing comes across these kids. But. These kids don’t want to be seen as they are. Because they hate what they are. So they wear mask.

See where I’m going?

We have a bear, a pig, an owl, a mule, a rabbit mask. They were feral and Christopher was the only person to show them any kindness.

So they become friends, he feeds them, cares for them. Plays with them etc. He goes off to college, the animal kids cant cope and they end up going feral again. Attacking one another and turning the woods into a deadly place the locals stay away from. Tons of posters like shops with missing hikers and campers.

You have Christopher Robin come back. Having grown up with these friends, these animal people. Only to have him realize when he sees them. Exactly what they really are. Masked deranged killers. Toss in Maria and her friends. Kill them one by one. Have the unmasking of Pooh at the end. Just like Jason in the second Friday film. Pull a Michael Myers have him put the mask back on and go into kill mode. You can end it the same. Like I said. You don’t have to change anything else. Leave it all the same.

Just let the people KNOW, that you are seeing bulky huge deformed backwoods mutants in mask. Killing people.

Fuck you can even say the mask were FROM Winnie The Pooh. It’d work so much better and explain so much more.

But they didn’t . They won’t, and it’ll still get done by someone else minus the Pooh joke.

Like I said, I didn’t have high expectations with this film. I knew it likely would be meh, I hoped it wouldn’t be. But here we are. It is what it is, unfortunately.

Even the music is somehow shit. I mean its all made by one or two local bands. Which again I would not be surprised if the bands were ones the director/producers/editor were in. But even then. Even with the music. They tried making something funny. But even that failed. Deadpool 2 had a great soundtrack, especially during the Juggernaut battle. They made an orchestral song for it, and the lyrics are amazing. It’s all a commentary on the fight and a lot of cussing.

This film tried the same with a repeating orchestral theme. But the lyrics were “That smell…this place….something something something something”

It was meant to be something. But it ended up again just…meh.

I can’t recommend this film. Even out of curiosity. You can find better uses of your time. I don’t recommend Black Devil Doll, because I had to pay $40 for that dvd. Because its out of print. But so worth it for me.

This movie cost me $12, and I wish I’d just rented it for $3. Because at least that would feel worthwhile.

Instead I just hate that I watched this and that you could see where its short comings were. Could it have worked if a studio backed it and gave it a budget, better cast?

No. It would’ve made ‘some’ money, but its still just better served as a silly idea. Not an hour and 24minute film.

And the fact they thought they’d make enough off it to warrant a sequel. I pray it never happens.

But we do live in a world where Shark Exorcist and Quija Shark are getting sequels so…there is no hope in this world. Save your money and time. Let a friend waste there’s and let them tell you what you saved yourself from.

With that, until tomorrow. If you wonder into the woods and find beefy men in overalls wearing animal mask? Run. You’ve entered butt fuck forest and you need to run. Breath later. Just run.